Thursday, January 24, 2008

Collegiate Milf Diary

A lot has gone since I started this hot blog. I really started the blog thinking I was "just" going to create a forum for discussions about milf sexuality. By the end of that year, it had become a lot more than prize wife/wifey for me, and the posts became not only about carnality, but also about interracial, dominance, femdom, sensuality, yoni worship, cuckolds, swinging, tantra, reality wife, webcamming, and wifeswapping. The writing had become literary, academic, collegiate, analytical as well as highly personal and confessional in nature, compared to my original intent. By the very end of 2006, I had divulged just about everything I'd ever been ashamed to tell anyone in this blog, and had also begun to do so in my outside life. It was a huge transition for me, and it was a difficult road to climb. There were times I thought I'd never see the light of day; I feared at points that I'd destroy myself in the effort I was making to heal and care for myself. But I kept going, and in the end, despite how scary it was to go through all of that, it was worth it.

And, by doing all that, when January 2007 rolled around, I was beginning to see the proverbial light at the end. I started the year out with a list of demands for what I wanted from that year. And I named it "Start Wearing Purple for me NOW, 2007," in tribute to a song by a band I'd become enamored of--a song that embodied the spirit of how I wanted to feel that year. At the time, that feeling seemed like a hopeful dream, but I hadn't felt it yet.

This New Year's Eve, I travelled to another city to see that band play,* and I met them. I hung out backstage with a bunch of interesting strangers, and they were interested in talking to me. And I felt like I was home. Not necessarily home because I was in some VIP area; home because I could go out and talk to strangers and not feel self-conscious. Home because I could enjoy myself without worrying that someone would think I wasn't worthwhile, or was too boring, or not a glamorous enough body type. Home because I was surrounded by smart, creative people who were not sad and dark; who were instead alive and energized. And still fucking cool. Home because I could have fun in the moment, and even decide to NOT do everything that was offered to me, and still feel happy and secure with my choices. Home because all I was was happy and laughing and enjoying the company of other people and of good music, and not thinking or worrying about anything else. Happy because I was being myself and only myself, and I was, finally, once again, glad to be her.

For me, that says a lot about what went right in 2007. It's been a slow and steady progress, but it's brought me to a place worlds away from where I was when I wrote my first post in 2006. Because while that "virgin post" in 2006 had a playful, cheerful tone, I was far from that. That was me, feeling very alone and very lost and dark, but putting on the "I'm just fine" mask I'd put on for the world for decades.

In January 2006, I wasn't cheerful, I wasn't playful. I was pretending. But at the moment when 2007 crossed into 2008, I was cheerful and playful, for real. And let me tell you, those two states of being feel worlds apart. There's no comparison. At all.

I'm not wearing the mask for the world anymore. In fact, the only articles of dress I'll be putting on from here on out will be strictly for my own pleasure. And I intend to not cover up very much. I'm not afraid anymore to show myself. I can actually wear purple now, literally and figuratively, and not even be that afraid of the attention I may get for it.

Yes, there's still work to be done. Yes, there's still road left to travel. But I've traveled a long way, and it looks like the gypsy caravan just pulled up to gave me a lift. I'm looking for a fun, weird, creative, inspirational, musical, wonder-full ride in 2008. I wish the same for all of you.

As for the blog and its anniversary, I'm not sure I ever imagined I'd still be doing it two years in. In the last few months, I've thought of ending it altogether. I've thought of renaming it. Of starting fresh with a new blog. Of just changing the look. Of not changing anything and just posting irregularly. Of trying to post regularly again. I've come to no decisions. So. We shall see. But one thing's for sure: whatever I decide, you've not heard the last of me.

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